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When I Accepted My Underwear Was Too Small
There were many instances when I could have and should have seen that my underwear was too small; instead, I attributed it to my two pregnancies, blamed it on my period, or having eaten too much that day. I didn’t love my body, so I made excuses.
13 years ago at 5’4”, I was a size 6 and weighed 45kg. Today, I’m a size 14 and goodness knows how much I weigh… I’ve been so frightened of the scale for so many years now; I haven’t looked at one in a very long time – not even at doctors’ visits.
And then one day… one fine day, I caved. I decided to finally accept that my undies were too small.
I remember the days when I would wear thongs. Silly me. Looking at one these days, I can’t believe I ever put myself through that ridiculousness. Don’t get me wrong here – It was probably great back then. I must have loved them. It just seems a bit silly to me to have a string up my butt.
I gave birth to my first child via C-section. She was a breech baby, and refused to move into position. Almost immediately after my daughter’s birth, I put on a pair of bikini undies, wiggled into my jeans and slowly worked towards zipping it up – fully.
It felt like such a big win for me to be able to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans. I beamed with pride when people commented about how quickly I’ve lost the baby weight. (Gosh, what a joke!)
Medium Boyshorts and Post-Partum Depression (PPD)
When my second daughter came along, she decided to come into the world naturally. Although I remember very little about it now, I recall thinking that the pain was unbearable. Nature has an amazing way of making us block out and forget the pain; keeping only the beautiful experience floating in our minds. I’m grateful for that.
What I do recall however is that I struggled to look at my baby girl. I saw her as this tiny blob that pushed her way out of me, leaving me zero control. Unlike my C-section that was scheduled and having been plodded with drugs; she was in control.
I couldn’t push. The doctors said that I didn’t know how to push. I dropped in and out of consciousness and as a last effort – the doctor counted to three, and used his arm to push my baby out.
Even when she came out, she made it known that she was in control. She took hold of the nurse’s scissors and refused to let go. She was as feisty as they came.
When I healed – physically and emotionally – I noticed the changes in my body. My stomach was rounder… it was saggy too. My small bikinis started to cut into my C-section scar, and my wedgies weren’t sexy.
So I moved on to medium sized boyshorts.
Still cute, I thought
I don’t know why I thought this… don’t ask me why. I just did. Was I still cute? Was I still beautiful? Was I still sexy? I answered yes to all these.
After my bout with PPD, I began to love motherhood again.
I thought (and still do) that motherhood was the epitome of being a woman – please don’t call the feminists on me… this is just my own perception and I’ve never pushed it on to anyone else.
Motherhood was the essence of being me – and if that came with medium sized boyshorts, it didn’t bother me.
I justified everything with being a mom of two beautiful girls. It wasn’t just how I looked… or the undies that I wore… it was everything.
I didn’t go out too much with friends – because I was a mom.
I didn’t do stupid things – because I was a mom.
I didn’t spend too much – because I was a mom.
I worked hard – because I was a mom.
I stayed in an unhappy marriage – because I was a mom.
It was okay to be overweight – because I was a mom.
The opportunities for both failure and success – sadness and happiness – were endless; but I unyieldingly held on to the fact that I was a mom. Whether it was right or wrong, I didn’t… because I was a mom.
Years passed, and I stayed in my medium sized boyshorts. My belly began to droop over the front of my boyshorts. I knew it wasn’t attractive… most importantly, not to me.
It took me a rather long time to realize that I was comfortably hiding behind the fact that I was a mom. Whether it was an opportunity for a promotion at work, or the steady increase in dress size; I became used to using “being a mom” as an excuse. Fear, Anger, Happiness, Sadness – it didn’t matter.
Eight years had passed – nine and then ten. I realized I was still using the same excuse.
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Large Full Briefs
I decided that I no longer wanted to hide behind being a mother. Motherhood is not meant to be an excuse; it’s a beautiful journey with the people I love most.
One day, I woke up and I told my husband, Wayne, that I wanted to go out and buy new undies.
I looked around the underwear aisles, slightly intimidated. Everything looked so small and beautiful.
I sensed the urge to grab a medium, as I had for years. After all, you can’t try undies on – I didn’t want to make a mistake. But then I realized that it was then that all those years of going for medium was the mistake.
For the first time in my life, I reached for the large full briefs; and hurriedly left the shop.
Acceptance and Beauty
It may seem silly to others how for years I have put so much wasted thought on the size of my undies. Picking it up, taking it to the cashier… it was all such a stressful mission for me. But the fact is, I did – and I can’t change the past.
When I got home, I chucked the bag of undies on my bed and went about the day. It wasn’t until the evening that I took them out of the bag and looked at them… closely.
My heart sank when I saw how big they were. They looked like flags.
In jest, I looked at Wayne, and waved a pair in surrender. He looked at me and said that “white, is the color for surrender.” I had in my hand, a black pair. He refused to let me feel sorry for myself.
So I finally caved and tried them on.
And guess what? It felt amazing. It felt right.
Those big black undies hugged my body just like it was meant to be. My belly stayed nicely tucked in the front, and my backside sat nicely and wedgie-less. In that moment, and the moments following that; I felt beautiful and in control.
I even started to wear swimsuits again – thanks to Ashley Graham’s line – Swimsuits for All. I LOVE this.
Check these out… they come in sizes 4-34! Literally swimsuits for all!
My Underwear Journey
Anyway… it’s both amazing and ridiculous to acknowledge that I have given such power to underwear all these years.
And even today, wearing the large full briefs, I still think that it has given me a boost in my self-esteem that for so long has been wavering.
Sitting in my large full briefs, with my belly tucked in comfortably, I have finally learned to love my body.
While all this may sound very petty – I know that I’m not alone. If you are like me… or like I was – know that there is beauty in the body you have. Love yourself… and the rest will follow ♥
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